Unfathomable Sadness

I am shocked. I am horrified. But most of all, I am sad.

What happened in that Connecticut elementary school is beyond comprehension. As a parent, my heart aches for those families that lost their precious children. As a parent, I am angered that a cowardly young man took those precious lives away. And as others before him, he too took his own life. Why must these suicidal cowards decide they need to take innocent lives with them? How could one possibly inflict such horror on children?

But right now, this is not about those questions. Right now, I can only think about my children. I can only think about those parents who will not put their children to bed tonight. I think about the everyday life with my children that I often take for granted. I remember the mornings that Averey frustrates me as she's getting ready for school, and we snip at each other. I groan when she asks for a glass of orange juice, just as I sit down with my breakfast.

Was there some mother who had a morning such as this and sent her daughter off to school, never to return?

As Christmas is approaching, I'm not quite done with my shopping. I cringe at the thought of having more toys around the house. I constantly tell my girls to clean up their room, as the clutter is making me crazy.

I'm sure there are parents who weren't done with their shopping either, who grimaced at the thought of more toys. But now, the shrieks of their children opening gifts have been silenced.

My mind is racing with so many thoughts and questions. Right now, I can only pray for God's peace to be upon those families, their school, and their community. I pray that the murderer is not sensationalized like others before him. I pray that we learn about those children and teachers, we see their faces, and their all-too-brief lives are celebrated. I pray that their friends and families do not live in fear, but bring a positive light to this horrific tragedy.

For those of us on the outside, united only by the fact that we are parents, I pray that we all cherish our children, that we mellow out over those little things that drive us crazy, and most of all, that we let them know they are loved.

I know I'm ready for some tighter squeezes and sloppy kisses.

Just Another Crazy Monday

I can remember a certain Pepe Le Pew cartoon in which Pepe sashayed through the French countryside, singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips." He greets a bored looking frog, and when the poor frog is stunned by Pepe's scent trail, his eyes bug out, he walks, and then jumps in the air, screaming, "YIIIIIEEEEE!!!"

That pretty much sums up how I felt today.

No matter how much I prepare for Monday, it always seems to get the best of me. Lately, it seems as if at least one, if not all three girls are up for whatever reason in the middle of the night. Jake and I made it through a restful night of sleep for once, but Kelsey managed to wake up bright and early sometime near the 6 o'clock hour this morning. She whined to daddy that she peed her Pull-Up, wanted to watch TV, and/or sleep in our bed. So much for some Wii Fit yoga, I groaned in my head.

As I readied myself, pulling my hair back into a ponytail, the simplest of hairdos for a crazy Monday morning, Averey had awakened. Both Averey and Kelsey have mild colds, so Averey seemed to think she may not be going to school this morning. No fever: school is in session, kid. It wasn't shocking to me that she said her tummy hurt a few times as I told her to get dressed. Brimming with sarcasm (I know, not  the most effective teaching tool), I told her she should probably come into the bathroom to throw up.

A few minutes later, she was miraculously cured and ready for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Kelsey had decided earlier that she was going to eat breakfast at Grammy's house. I am happy to oblige, and besides, grammy makes pancakes in the morning. But upon seeing Averey eat, she said she wanted breakfast here. Figures. Then both girls wanted toast. Irritated, I told them that the bread is for sandwiches this week, not toast. (I know, I know, I'm starving them.)

While combing Kelsey's wild hair, Averey declares she would like pigtails. Sighing that I don't have time, I realize that's not the answer she wants to hear and tell her to get me two gumbands. I pull her hair up and she's giddy with excitement. (One thing right this morning. Phew.)

Averey successfully gets on the bus and it's time to feed Jacey. She gulps down her breakfast... and then spits it up in my bra and down my pant legs, dousing me with my usual perfume of sour milk.

I manage to make it to work on time even after misjudging the time I had to bring up the girls' laundry from the basement. I walk into the pharmacy and am warned that I probably don't want to be there as there were 99 refills pending, which is about 30-40 more than a usual Monday. Between the phone ringing non-stop and a steady stream of customers, I was more than ready to leave at 6, and counting down to Thursday, my long-awaited day off.

The hardest thing about being a working mom is not necessarily being at work. I know my children are being cared for at school, at my in-laws', or here with the baby-sitter.The toughest part is making sure everybody gets ready in the morning and that I don't lose my patience (or my sanity). I don't think I've been successful yet.

Getting home in the evening is a trial too, because usually Jacey is screaming for me. Tonight was no different. I grabbed her to nurse, Jake gets dinner on the table, and I start to feel peaceful. Then after having a glass of the hubby's homemade wine for dinner, I suddenly didn't care about the hectic day I had, or the fact I detest Mondays... at least until next Monday anyway.

Mom Confessions

"Mommy, can I just say one thing? Kids are more important than a computer!"

You have a point there, Miss Averey. Thanks for putting me in my place again.

But let me back up for a second. I was in the middle of paying some online bills, it's not like I was facebooking or anything. I told her to give me JUST ONE SECOND (which is never a second) and I would listen to her whine about being hungry for a snack.

Before I became a mom, I often thought to myself that I would never do or say certain things, I would handle all interactions with my children with love and patience. Once Averey turned three (because three is far worse than the "terrible twos", I don't care what anyone says), that went out the window. Having Kelsey in the house doesn't help matters either.

They say confession is good for the soul (or maybe it's chicken soup). I hope and pray I'm not alone in my bad mommy-ness, so I shall divulge some of those unsavory, less-than-stellar, hypocritical, screaming mom moments.

I have yelled at my kids... to stop yelling at each other.

I've told Averey to pick out her clothes, and then tell her to change because she doesn't match.

I tell poor Jacey, "Hang on!" when she's fussing for food while I throw a load of laundry in the wash... or finish updating my facebook status.

I have uttered the dreaded phrases, "Because I said so." and "There are starving people who would be happy to have that!" (None of which has EVER satisfied them for an answer, or made Averey clean her plate.)

Dinner at our house usually consists of Averey burping on command, Kelsey (naturally) burping in the middle of a sentence and getting up to either run around the table, or push her chair from the table and eat standing up, or scooping the food so close to her mouth that she's licking the table. Never mind the fact that I pass gas in the middle of a meal and have breastfed while drinking wine... (which, by the way, is not a pipeline directly to the babe, so by the time she'd nurse again, it would be through my system!) How is it that the only man in the house is the least hoggish of us all?

I've tried to tell Kelsey not to eat food off the floor only to perpetually be 10 seconds late every single time. Oh well, she'll have a strong immune system (?).

I've rolled my eyes when the girls insist they have to go potty as soon as we go out in public and asked if they can wait. (Which I realize is a huge risk. On rare occasions, they forget they've asked, but most times they're holding themselves as if their bladders will burst.)

I've turned the TV off because I'm sick of the girls loafing in front of it (and they receive more than their recommended dose of TV time), yet I don't suggest they do anything else.

I've gone out with them in public only to wish that I hadn't set foot out of the house only because Averey starts whining the moment I say we're leaving (today it was the library--never mind Kelsey was running down the bookcase aisles and Jacey was screaming) and Kelsey can escape faster than the speed of light. I really hate it when my stern mom voice comes out in a public place. I can almost feel they eyes of the other moms boring into the back of my head. (Oh, her children don't behave, she doesn't enjoy them, I would NEVER let my kid run down the aisles like that! That's what I thought too, until I had a Kelsey.)

I have covered my face as I'm busting with laughter when one of the girls gets overly dramatic about an issue and is in such a fit that it's just ridiculous. I've also laughed when they've done or said something naughty because it's just FUNNY!

Yet then there are those moments that I get kisses, hugs, and requests to snuggle. And I think for a fleeting moment that there's still hope my girls won't remember any of the above. (Except the dinner table, because of my 13-year-old-boy sense of humor... No wait, I do want them to have manners when they go eat at other people's houses!)

No One to Blame but Me

Okay, folks, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: just because I manage to get three kids ready whilst putting myself together in the morning and then head to my job outside of the home does not mean I have my $h!t together. (Pardon my French.)

A few weeks ago, a friend posted a status update on facebook about her frustration with no time in the evening to tend to her children's needs even though she's a stay-at-home mom, and she didn't know how two working parents could run a household. My solution? Time management.

As I once again spent too much time in one store this evening while I was supposed to be picking up groceries while Averey was at gymnastics, I realized I was a complete hypocrite for soliciting such advice.
Sure, I have my laundry duties down to a science (that's what happens when you don't own a dryer) and take a few minutes here and there to spruce up the house and can manage my time well (for the most part) when it comes to that stuff.

But send me on a shopping trip for anything other than necessities, and you'd think I don't own a watch.

Tonight, I got all wrapped up in crafty goodies at Michael's for about 15 minutes longer than planned. My indecisive mind took over, telling me I had plenty of time, and surely Jacey wasn't hungry yet.

But by 6:00, I knew I blew it again. I raced to the grocery store, power-walked through the aisles to pick up what was on my list (even though I left it in the car), and hightailed it out of there to call my hubby to ask if Jacey was hungry. (It was 6:15, and Averey's class ended at 6:30.)

"She was crying, but she's okay now."
"Well, do you want me to come home?"
"Well, I didn't think you'd be out this long. You didn't have much to pick up at the store."
(Feeling my face redden) "I went to Michael's." (Which I did mention before I left.)
"Ohh." I could see him roll his eyes. I could hear the annoyance in his voice. My husband, although never in the military, runs his schedule with military precision. His idea of being late is my version of being on time. (Hey, I'm not late if I'm supposed to be somewhere at 6:00 and show up right at 6:00! Anyone agree?) There have been a couple--few--no, many occasions where he's calling me to see where I'm at, when I'm coming home, because it's a bit--a lot later than I said I would be.

By the time I get home, I'm mad at myself for the both of us. I promise next time I'll be better (to myself), because surely I'll want to go out shopping again. Tonight was no different. I'm still annoyed with myself. I'm sure he's still annoyed with me too, but tonight is his night out, so I'm sure he's thankful for the escape.

Yet time and time again, he forgives me. And time and time again, God forgives me too. I'm grateful to have that model in our marriage, because let's face it, marriage isn't a piece of cake! (I should know from previous experience...)

This time management skill is clearly a fault of mine that I must pray about and work on continuously. But sometimes, when you're out of the house with no kids running through the aisles like banshees, asking for everything in sight, it isn't hard to lose track of time.

Oh, by the way dear--I got a LOFT gift card today, and I heard they're having good sales. Can I go shopping? I promise I won't take more than an hour!

Meltdowns and Nightmares

This is one of those weeks when I admit defeat and announce I am clueless about this parenting thing.

And yes, it's only Tuesday.

Perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic. I can handle Jacey in her infancy. To me, babies are easy. (I know some of you may be growling at me for that statement.) Their needs are pretty basic. Eat, sleep, poop, repeat. Got it.

In all honesty, I didn't think preschoolers were that difficult either, because Averey was such an agreeable easygoing child. Not that Kelsey isn't; she's sweet and affectionate and can make you laugh. Unfortunately, she's at the age where she does or doesn't need a nap, depending upon the day. If she takes a nap (note: falls asleep on the couch, never in her bed), unless she wakes up before 3 p.m., she's all right. However, her falling asleep on the couch usually occurs after 3 p.m., and then one of us has the pleasure of rousing the beast from her slumber.

Sunday was a little different though. She woke up on her own and seemed to be in a pleasant mood. She asked for help to go potty, and somewhere in between pulling down her tights and lifting her up on the seat, she vehemently decided I wasn't cut out for the job and requested daddy. (Story of my life!) Surprisingly, daddy was no good for the task either, so she proceeded to pitch a fit. A loud, screaming, pathetic fit. Time out followed, and at the very moment Jacey spit up on herself, my arm and the rug, Kelsey peed all over the time out chair and it spilled onto the dining room floor. It was an ugly mess, and she didn't calm down until nearly 10 minutes later, with much coaxing from Averey (the only one left who she didn't refuse!).

Last night we suffered another meltdown because she was overtired at bedtime. It's a lose-lose situation. Thankfully, Jake was able to talk to her calmly as she was hitting him, and she soon was ready for bed.

When she's not fighting sleep or waking up grouchy from a nap, she seems to call everything and everyone "poopy" or "poopyhead." It's a bit embarrassing when you ask her to repeat something she said that was actually funny or cute, and she responds with an enthusiastic "POOPYHEAD!" Sigh.

Averey, on the other hand, seems to have nightmares at least three times a week. (Twice so far this week! I attribute it to either snacking after 7:30--which I've been trying to watch--or an overactive imagination, or Disney Channel.) She doesn't wake up screaming, but she walks into our room and says, "I had a bad dream." I grumpily tell her to go back to bed, Jake thinks that, but for the sake of not arguing allows her to climb in our bed and he goes out on the couch. (Sometimes I think he also does it because he claims I'm such a bed hog.) It's getting ridiculous to me at this point, and as I tried to share a verse from Proverbs about lying down and sleeping in peace, I goofed the whole thing up and proved to be an ineffective lesson. (I'll just have to write it down for her instead.)

At this point, I'm continually praying for wisdom. I'm trying to exercise greater patience in those difficult moments. And I might be drinking a glass of wine at dinner every night this week.

Just One of Those Days

Yesterday was a good mom day. I kept calm in nearly all situations, I cleaned my kitchen and dining room floors (and they stayed clean for a record five hours), and I didn't wear one drop of baby barf on my shoulder for the first time since Jacey was born. I felt I deserved a little pat on the back. And I call myself "anything but supermom"?! Ha!

Well, today knocked me off my high horse. And most of it was my fault.

Jake and I had a late night after seeing the Zac Brown Band in concert (again), and I had a surprisingly restful night of sleep compared to the previous two nights (although I had some bizarre dream about being in a real-life "Hunger Games"). Since I didn't have to be to work until 1 p.m., I planned my morning out accordingly.
1. Do yoga on the Wii Fit. (Ahh, feel the stretch.)
2. Throw in a load of laundry (dish towels and washcloths, and in the meantime, snatching Kelsey's lovey blanket to throw in there too).
2 1/2. Oh yeah. I didn't pack Averey's lunch last night. Crap.
3. Turn my computer on to finish loading my mp3 player.
3 1/2. Whoops. I didn't get the girls' outfits out last night either.
4. Get Averey on the bus. Get Kelsey to preschool.
5. Go to the mall (Gymboree--the only reason to go to the Nittany Mall, besides the Gap. Well, that and to get my rings cleaned at Kay's).

I completed task 1. The rest of them melded together in a mess of whining, crying girls. It all started when Averey got out of bed and couldn't find her slippers. Panic ensued. Never mind that she picked out her shirt to wear but was upset with me for not bringing up the leggings to go with it. (I try and do an "I Dream of Jeannie" "blink" in the hopes I will magically have larger closets and bedrooms. It hasn't worked yet.) I run downstairs, sort through a dresser, grumbling, and find the leggings. By this time, Kelsey is fussing over the outfit I chose for her. (Really? You're THREE!) There was no satisfying either girl. I lost my temper, threw my hands in the air and said, "I'm done!" (And then remembered I had to empty the dishwasher.)

During this cacophony of girly whining (I know, it's only going to get worse), I somehow had to coerce Kelsey into giving up lovey so I could wash the black haze that now covered her. Ew. This kid could misplace lovey on her own accord and not care, but the moment you try and take lovey from her, fuggedaboutit! More crying ensued. Surprise, surprise.

After breakfast, the girls retreated to the sun room to play with the dollhouse, which can be a source of fighting. This morning was no different. And Kelsey purposely untied her shoes, crying that they were undone.

I often wrestle with the fact that I work outside of the home, but today, I seriously couldn't wait until 1:00.

Somehow, Averey got on the bus, Kelsey got to preschool, and I had some quiet time with Jacey. We headed to the mall. While I planned to get there as it opened at 10, I didn't leave the house until then. But that left me with close to an hour-and-a-half to shop. Surely I could get my in-laws an anniversary card, get my rings cleaned, pick out clothes for the girls at Gymboree, and shop for myself at Gap.

I dropped my jewelry off and headed to Gymboree. We have planned a **surprise** family photo session for my in-laws for their 40th anniversary (in lieu of going to Sears as my mother-in-law usually plans--and no, she doesn't read my blog. Nor does she know I write one. The secret is safe here). While I could match up clothes between Averey and Kelsey, Jacey's wardrobe is very limited. Good excuse to buy some clothes... not that I need a real excuse.

In coordinating colors, finding the right sizes, I spent waaaaay too much time there. (I know Jake is rolling his eyes already.) By the time I finally got in line, the three people ahead of me took waaaaay too long. As I finally had my turn, the prices were even lower than expected (Yay! Plus a 20% off coupon I got in the mail. Double yay!), but that meant I was $8 away from earning Gymbucks. Well, if I'm that close... back to shopping. Checking my watch. Realizing I'm going to be late picking up Kelsey from preschool... because of SHOPPING. (Stop rolling your eyes, Jake!)

I picked up my jewelry (but no anniversary card), hustled out of the mall (I'm just leisurely jogging with my stroller, folks), and decided to phone a friend to let the teachers know I'd be running a couple minutes late. Thankfully, Kelsey didn't even notice. She was just excited to tell me that her teacher chose her to open the door to go the playground.

Days like these can certainly humble me. Most of it was my fault (but the ladies in front of me at Gymboree were a little at fault too. Just trust me on this one.), and it just reminds me that this mom job is no easy task, even when one of my most favorite activities (shopping) is involved. But at the end of the day, my girls are still excited to see me even after my patience ran especially thin. Thank God for their sweetness.

Although, I'm not sure it's really all that fair that Jake gets to go out and have a beer with his friends tonight.

Little Moments

This week was my first full week of work: 32 hours. But the only reason I think I'm exhausted is because we need a new mattress.

Adjusting to my regular schedule with three kids has been a challenge, but I think I'm actually doing better than I did with two! Maybe Jacey was the little kick in the butt of motivation that I needed.

Yet this week, in the midst of work, MOPS (and handling a lot of money as I'm the finance lady), school, preschool, screeching girls, gymnastics and swiffering our ever-dusty floors, I've managed to take notice of some extra special little moments this week with my girls. For as much of a journal writer as I've been for nearly 25 years of my life, I find it hard to sit down and record those funny or sweet things the girls say and do. So I'm making a point of doing it on this rainy day while the girls are quiet... for now.

The little moments I've especially treasured this week...

...Averey being totally convinced that she can fly, flapping her arms and landing face-first on our bed (and I had to give it a whirl too).

... Both Averey and Kelsey joining me in the bathroom as I'm getting ready, using my make-up brushes to apply non-existent cosmetics.

...Jacey's gummy smiles.

...Kelsey singing "Jesus Loves Me" out of the blue.

...Kelsey asking to snuggle as we waited for Averey to get off the bus.

...The 10 times that Kelsey asks to see Jacey's eyes and responds with an expressive "AWWWW!!!"

...Averey dancing along to a TV program, thrusting herself backwards on the couch, throwing her legs over head and bouncing right back (completely clueless that Jake and I were watching her, chuckling).

...Averey getting up on the stage at church to sing and dance along during the designated kid's song.

...Averey and Kelsey doting on Jacey, prompting her to coo.

...Kelsey sitting on her knees next to Jacey in her papasan chair, grabbing her little hand and praying for her.

...All five of us laying on our bed last night, being silly, getting Jacey to coo, and her sisters holding her. Jake's and my eyes met, and I still find it amazing to believe that after meeting 18 years ago, we've made it to this point in our lives. Incredible.

Like being a pharmacy technician, motherhood is another thankless job. Yet I'm ever so thankful for little moments like those, because they can be greater than any "thank you" I could receive.